I pray, to be only Yours...

...I know now You're my only hope.
Only Hope
Switchfoot

Let me set the record straight. I'm Christian. I'm not perfect. At this very moment in time I can give you about a hundred different proofs for both statements.

God is my only hope for this world. My family; wonderful people. Not going to save my life. My friends; good times. Not going to stop me from death. My "girlfriend"; amazing woman. Not going to stop my punishment. My Savior; my everything. Saved my life, stopped my death and stopped my punishment. Of the four, I ignore the latter the most, unfortunately.

My life is going great right now. I have a part time job that pays decently. I have a part time volunteer position that pays even better. I go to church and I put on a good mask every Sunday so I don't get the constant barrage of "What's wrong?" I know how to have a personal relationship with the one who died on the cross. I can pray and praise Him, and I do both. I can seek His will and I can seek His face, and I do both. I can run from Him and I can run to Him, and I do both. I can't get Him out of my mind. I can't stop Him from invading my soul. He's there and He's staying.

Yet I drive Him away. With every wrong action He is that much closer to leaving me forever. I'm that much closer to losing what is most dear to me. I always come back, I always have grace but I never deserve it. I never could.

If you see me walking down the street, don't take "shy smile" for an answer. If you see me skating around town, don't let the flick of my hair or the twinkle in my eyes ensorcel you. I hurt. I hurt a lot. I have a pain so deep that I have to try to not think about it. I have a thorn in my flesh so rooted, I have to think of other things to not think about it.

I'm in a constant battle that I have to endure. The battle is between God and Satan. I'm the battlefield. I'm the lone soldier. Standing in no-man's land looking back and forth between sides. My spirit stands on one side. Whispering softly, "This is the side you need to be on." My flesh stands on the other side, full of scorn. It yells, "Don't listen to your spirit. It has no idea what you need." Back and forth, back and forth. The battle wages on. And I am stuck in the middle. I stand there and look back and forth, back and forth.

When you see me, you won't notice. I mask my grief with happiness and my tears with laughter. My frowns are covered in smiles and the long face looks normal.

I will only be truly happy when God has finally allowed me to leave this world.

"Will You Worship"

Deep in my soul is a tug of war
I'm struggling to know what this life is for
I try so hard to stay in control
To hold back the tears, to not let go
I don't know why I hang on so long
When I know the question you are asking me

Will you worship, will you bow down
Before your Lord and King?
Will you love me, will you give me
Your heart, your everything?

Right here and now, I make my choice
With all my love I will answer you

I will worship, I will bow down
Before my Lord and King
I will love you, I will give you
My heart, my everything